True Friendship | Quality Over Quantity

I tend to see the good in people, even when their negative tendencies are literally smacking me in the face. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I think part of the reason is that I have had a life full of people making assumptions about my character based on reasons and logic that is flawed, at best.

I have an introverted personality. Although I am a great public speaker when it comes to providing people with information (and I love doing it), small talk with small groups of folks I have nothing in common with is not my thing. I usually don’t fit in. I don’t watch what most watch on tv ( I love documentaries), I don’t go ga-ga at shopping (unless I really need something), I don’t listen to current music (soul house, jazz, 90’s hip hop – yes!) and discussing other people’s business or giving opinions about things that I don’t have direct knowledge of makes me cringe. This doesn’t work well in most groups. And as a young girl, I got that classic label of being “stuck up”. Awesome…..

So the little sad clown that I was, just couldn’t pass up anyone who “acted” like they liked me. Often I would bore myself to tears trying to be a part of a group which didn’t necessarily blend in with my energy or interests. And because of this, many of my friendships were just empty shells of activity. I fell into the role of “the helper” . If you needed someone reliable to help you do whatever or talk you through some chaos, my phone would ring. If you wanted someone to make your “group of cuties” fuller for a party, I’d get that call. But “friends” just calling to see how I was or looking to help me progress, didn’t happen.

I had this epiphany a few years ago though. Yay! I realized that I actually enjoy being alone and function best having a few quality friends who if they need me, I’m there; and many associates who I interact with according to what’s happening at the moment.  I realized that by treating myself like I am important to me, it creates the energy to attract other people that genuinely like me and shows others that I have standards of engagement. The people that attach to me because of what I may be able to help them do or who I know, while I appreciate being their associate or “event friend”, I no longer overextend myself for the sake of being nice. I’m too busy…and too old to be treated “any ole way.”

Based on my own experiences as well as the experiences of some of my clients who are trying to journey into joy instead of chaos, I’d like to share with you 5 signs that you may be nurturing a relationship that isn’t necessarily bestie material.

 

1. They Don’t Cheer For You - When you reach a milestone, your friends should be shouting your praises from the moon and back. They know how hard you have worked and want to make your heart swell. If you give the sufficient “Guess What I Accomplished” call or post and you get a luke warm “that’s nice” or you don’t hear from that person at all – until they can tell you about what THEY accomplished or fill your life with their drama while you are trying to live on cloud 9, it may be time to give Debbie Downer a rest.

2. All Your Conversations Are About Them – If you know that when a call or text comes in from “your homie ” that the topic is going to be about them, what they need, or who is treating them badly, take note. Now of course, in a great friendship you are supposed to be there for your friends…but they are also supposed to be there for you. So if you find that you know their favorite color, their secret crush, the names of their co-workers….but they don’t even know how to spell your last name…or what your last name is; well, you may want to spend the time you use to talk to them to work on that goal you promised yourself you would meet instead.

3. You’re Never Their VIP – Does your “friend” go on vacations or special events with other friends but you don’t get asked to attend…unless its last minute because someone else wasn’t available – yikes! This isn’t necessarily a sign that you aren’t friends – could be work obligations, so don’t fret. However, if you never are asked to do anything that isn’t part of a group outing (where you could simply be a space filler), time to get real about what it really is. This is an “event friend”. And while there is no need to dissolve the love, this isn’t the person that you take off of work to help move either.

4. The Non Return Call or Texter – You reach out to see how they are and you get crickets. Sure, could be that they don’t check their voice mail (like me) or aren’t into texting, but if you have been around them enough to know that they chomp at the bit every time their phone makes a noise, then it’s likely that they heard your call or got your text and archived it. You’ve got to decide if you are cool with that style of friendship or would prefer someone who thinks that you are a priority.

5. The Perpetual Canceler – When you ask that someone to go to an exclusive event, they have their outfit bought days in advance and are ready, willing, and able. If you ask them to attend an event that is important to you but maybe isn’t a spectacular, they are either always busy or hit you at the last minute with an excuse (if the excuse is too long and involved, it’s probably BS by the way). Not to say that things don’t come up but notice if its a pattern. Stop inviting them to the cream of the crop moments in your life and catch them when you see them.

Now, I’m not trying to be petty. Not everyone is going to meet your expectations all the time. But if you are a grown up with responsibilities, it’s important to know that the people you include in your life have real love for you. As the years go on, it’s harder and harder to maintain friendships, so you really want to invest your time and emotions in someone who wants to see you as happy as you want to see them.

No need to make an announcement that “we aren’t that cool” if you don’t have to. Just know where everyone fits in your life and act accordingly. You shouldn’t feel indebted to someone who helped you out years ago and who uses that as their “in” to your heart. Could be that they helped you for personal gain, you never know. The test of a sustaining friendship is simply how someone makes you feel inside on a regular basis. I have friends that I see once or twice a year because of our crazy schedules but when we do meet, the love is flowing throughout the room. But there are others who have literally made me get a pain in my chest when the phone rings because I know that they are looking to take my energy away from love and into chaos.

Choose people that uplift your spirit instead of cause you to question your value. If you are not getting what you are giving – time to stop giving it. You live in the world that you create for yourself. Create paradise. You deserve nothing less.